Encryption unsuccessful (AKA, your phone is bricked. Buy a new one!)

So I woke up last night at 3 AM with my phone (a ZTE AWE N800) screaming Virgin Mobile's horrible launch tones, happily announcing "Encryption Unsuccessful" and I have to do a factory reset and wipe all my data. Well that's just fine. I get to reset my damn phone and re-install everything, right? All my contacts, apps, everything, right? No problem. I have backups.

Except it doesn't work. I click the button for a factory reset. I hear the horrible screaming tones again, and I get the same error. This is what's referred to as a "boot loop," apparently. I go online hoping for a solution. (Because Google is SO good at finding solutions to this stuff, right?) Apparently, you can reset into Android's fix-it mode by holding the power and volume down keys (holding power and volume up boot with the letters FTM in a white box and do absolutely nothing else). So, from this screen I can do such useful things as "wipe data/factory reset," which should be what I want to do.

But it doesn't work. Reboot, and I get "Encryption Unsuccessful" once again.

So what's the solution now? Go to Google again and look for more answers that aren't there. Maybe I should "root" my device, "re-flash" the ROM, or apply any number of useless initials to my problem. (CWM or TWRP, anybody?) There are plenty of websites with people experiencing the exact same problem with the exact same phone, but absolutely no answers for anybody other than crap like "Get the unbrick kit and try that or get in recovery if u have twrp" and "tried loading update.zip and it failed." This problem is so pervasive one page actually tried luring people in to throw scammy spyware alerts at them. Most pages, however, just have people stating the problem with no solution. Heck, even Virgin Mobile has a Q&A page with this problem, with hilariously ineffective solutions such as rebooting the phone or dialing *86 (which you could only do if you were able to boot past this screen).

After just a few minutes (hours, actually), I start feeling like I have to be a third-level hacker just to use a damn phone, and I'm starting to realize that I have no choice but to just go and buy another one. These things are pretty much disposable, right? Everyone has four or five old cell phone in a drawer somewhere. Maybe this will be a good time to switch over to FreedomPop instead and pay $32/month instead of $42. The new phone pays for itself in less than a year, and this time I'm getting one with enough room so that it doesn't yell at me to delete some apps every time I use Facebook.

Win, right?