Unfortunately, process.my.sanity has stopped

So, I just bought a new (refurbished) Nexus 10 for the wife off of Groupon. And of course, it's completely unusable. After logging into Google and starting it up, it starts getting an endless stream of errors, always "unfortunately, google play services has stopped" or something. I went to Google to find an answer, and of course there are thousands of posts all over the place all with the exact same problem.

So what's the solution? There isn't one. Oh, there are lots of alleged solutions, but not a single one that works. If you hate yourself and want to feel the white hot pain or trying to make the piece of garbage you bought online work, you can try any one of the following:

1. Delete the cache
2. Reset app preferences
3. Uninstall the Google Play Store
4. Wipe the System Cache Partition
5. Reset to factory settings

When none of those ideas work, you can muck around with the firmware, installing a custom ROM or any number of things that will void your warranty. Don't worry, it's EASY!

Or your could just send it back and hope the next one will work. Which it won't.